Methods. Madness.

A letter to my little cousin Abby, on her birthday.

2012-01-22T20:19:00.000-08:00

My cousin Esther is putting together a really neat thing for her daughter Abby for her birthday - she's asked a lot of friends and family to write her a little letter about things they want to say to her that she could really have forever. This is my letter to her:

Dear Beautiful Miss Abby,

What a lady you are turning out to be! I feel like it was only yesterday I found out your mother (who used to chase me around your Grandmother's yard with pretend bugs in her hand as a joke when I was your age) was now going to be a mother. I can't imagine what a privilege that is - and I hope she doesn't chase you with bugs ;)

Every year of becoming older is exciting because it means new things can happen and all kinds of changes occur. You have new memories of great friends and beautiful moments and you have everything to look forward to. At the same time though, you gain all kinds of responsibilities, you make all kinds of new mistakes, and sometimes this is really hard.

Know that no matter what you are loved. You are loved, of course, by your family and your friends. But most of all, you are loved by God, not because you are always right, or always perfect (although it's true that you are pretty amazing), and not because you will always feel like you love him but absolutely in spite of the fact that sometimes you will mess up. You are a truly unique part of his creation and someone he delights in - just because you're you!

Messing up really is a part of life though. You will have to learn over and over again to mess up and try again. It's just the way things go! I hope you are never afraid to try new things just because they're hard, or kind of scary! Because you have all this love behind you you can follow your heart and know that it will take you to great places - but you will always have all this love to fall back on.

I love you, lady! I'm so proud to know you and watch you grow!

Lots of love,

Erin

“You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
― Annie Dillard

Progress.

2011-07-24T07:12:00.000-07:00

THE SNATCH.

THE CLEAN AND JERK. (This one was a PR... :))

More inspiration.

Dreaming big.

2011-06-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Inspired by this.

Icebergs.

2011-06-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Annie Dillard has written: “There is no such thing as a solitary polar explorer, fine as the conception is.” We do not face the world alone. We cannot.

But do we sometimes want to? Yes.

“The interior life is often stupid. Its egoism blinds it and deafens it; its imagination spins out ignorant tales, fascinated. It fancies that the western wind blows on the Self, and leaves fall at the feet of the Self for a reason, and people are watching. A mind risks real ignorance for the sometimes paltry prize of an imagination enriched. The trick of reason is to get the imagination to seize the actual world- if only from time to time.” - Annie Dillard

A sermon about Annie Dillard - a woman who I think I think like.

I'm gonna learn to love without fear.

2011-06-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend reminded me of this song.

The below is so not for Facebook :)

i am so glad and very
merely my fourth will cure
the laziest self of weary
the hugest sea of shore

so far your nearness reaches
a lucky fifth of you
turns people into eachs
and cowards into grow

our can'ts were born to happen
our mosts have died in more
our twentieth will open
wide a wide open door

we are so both and oneful
night cannot be so sky
sky cannot be so sunful
i am through you so

ee cummings

Sometimes...

2011-05-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

don't you just want to climb one of these and sit in it for a while?

Been a while again...

2011-05-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

Dusty Life.

2011-04-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

If you aren't creating something every day in some way... I would make time to do this. We are creators by nature, I think.

Playing in fountains, tomatoes, and death (yup).

2011-04-22T03:20:00.000-07:00

"There is always the temptation in life to diddle around making itsy-bitsy friends and meals and journeys for years on end. It is all so self conscious, so apparently moral...But I won't have it. The world is wilder than that in all directions, more dangerous...more extravagant and bright. We are...raising tomatoes when we should be raising Cain, or Lazarus."
— Annie Dillard

Once upon a time someone told me that I was a little like a walking contradiction in that I wanted peace so badly, while simultaneously wanting so many things that don't make for peace. In that particular situation I was feeling especially unsatisfied by my small college in a small state doing small things. I had grand memories of flying around the world to serve people in dire need or just this growing sense that everything around me wasn't important enough.

What I have learned since then, I suppose, is that there are worlds in people... and beyond that, worlds of hurt. No community is without its beggars, its bullies, and its diamonds in the rough.

I have learned that every human being needs a reason to believe that living is important. Otherwise, the burden of living tends to be too much for one person to shoulder.

This morning I walked from 12th and Locust to find 13th Street riddled with flashing lights. Apparently around 2am this morning a young man attempted suicide. Just a few minutes ago, I saw a girl about 15 years old with her Father slowly walking down the street toward their car (parked in front of the gym). She was sobbing uncontrollably and he was wide-eyed and persed his lips.

For every piece of a day that feels like this - that feels like death - that feels like nothing could be gilded in greatness, and nothing could be worth living for - there is a human being somewhere who ultimately makes the choice to do more than just be, but rather, live.

Living is not always beautiful, mysterious, or grand - sometimes it is gettin' money, going to sleep on time, and making your own damn meals. I believe that it's ok if that's what we see most of the time. I'm also a firm believer in taking the time to see through all that muck to the gilded moments. It's been said that belief can change your world. Simply stated, I think what you choose to notice can change your beliefs.

I think every day we must make that choice - and that all of us, in some small way, are heroes. For the record, that's not the same thing as calling everyone special. It is heroic to think of what a human being can do with one life - how much love can be poured out, how much thought, art, music, and narrative. And yet, all of these great things take one thing: work.

"What does it feel like to be alive?
Living, you stand under a waterfall. You leave the sleeping shore deliberately; you shed your dusty clothes, pick your barefoot way over the high, slippery rocks, hold your breath, choose your footing, and step into the waterfall. The hard water pelts your skull, bangs in bits on your shoulders and arms. The strong water dashes down beside you and you feel it along your calves and thighs rising roughly backup, up to the roiling surface, full of bubbles that slide up your skin or break on you at full speed. Can you breathe here? Here where the force is the greatest and only the strength of your neck holds the river out of your face. Yes, you can breathe even here. You could learn to live like this. And you can, if you concentrate, even look out at the peaceful far bank where you try to raise your arms. What a racket in your ears, what a scattershot pummeling!
It is time pounding at you, time. Knowing you are alive is watching on every side your generation's short time falling away as fast as rivers drop through air, and feeling it hit."
— Annie Dillard (An American Childhood) <----- I really need to read this book again.

I can't figure out how to do this any other way...

2011-04-05T17:10:00.001-07:00

So you'll have to put up with a shot of what my gym looks like :)

Maybe it's a stupid question...

2011-03-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

but do you think things just complicated the older we get? Or is that just how we feel the more present we are?

It's Sunday Morning...

2011-03-27T08:28:00.001-07:00

and I have a few observations to make:

1) Salt-n-Pepa radio on Pandora might give many people one more reason to live.
2) Minivans are amazing. The more people you add, the better.
3) Ginger and Chamomile, my current favorite fix for "Fran Cough".
4) It's still cold here. That's just mean.
5) When you accept a situation, acting appropriately and cooperatively becomes SO much easier. Like, immediately. So if you feel frustrated about something, accept it. See what happens.

Basset Hounds running on a beach. Yeah. You just need to see this. Many thanks to Reid Hurley.

I will consider myself to have arrived in life

2011-03-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

when I have enough gall, money, time, space and peace to actually get a dog.

You know, for those days when you want to feel like a lady.

2011-03-24T10:27:00.000-07:00

The dress must not hang on the body but follow its lines. It must accompany its wearer and when a woman smiles the dress must smile with her. ~Madeleine Vionnet

Poetry and Paper Tigers.

2011-03-17T10:32:00.000-07:00

Debate doesn’t really change things. It gets you bogged in deeper. If you can address or reopen the subject with something new, something from a different angle, then there is some hope.... That’s something poetry can do for you, it can entrance you for a moment above the pool of your own consciousness and your own possibilities.

SEAMUS HEANEY, Paris Review, Fall 1997

When in doubt, give thanks. Survey the surface of your life and then go deeper. There are worlds within people, within a song, within a face, within a breakfast. These intricacies are the things that make life, life.

We talk about perspicacity as the kind of thing a good coach needs to get better. It's something you can have naturally, but it's also something you learn the further you go along. You learn that a slight movement of the knee in on the first pull of a clean will snub the right muscle groups. You learn that the same loss of that movement on the push out of the bottom of the front squat will short-change the max clean.

We all learn to see as we go along. Until then, we are blind.

It's incredible to think about all the things you know without being able to voice them. I feel sometimes, that I have forgotten what that is like - to name a thing for what it is... in spite of your incomprehension of it, in spite of your fear of it perhaps, in spite of the fact that words, are like paper tigers.

I've been trying to write more poetry lately - mainly for the sake of recording some songs with a friend in the wee hours of the morning. The process feels so new, and so different than my oh-so-college-ey days back in the shed behind Mark Stevick's house. Sip a beer, pour out your words, or melt into someone else's.

Poetry, for me, is allowing a voice to speak that I am not aware of. The words fall to a page and seem to write themselves. The sounds drift together and create a harmony that feels self-taught. There is something in me that wants to speak and stanza to stanza, I let it.

Sometimes the words don't come and on those days... I know not to try.

Maybe relationships are like this... Maybe sometimes you realize it is time to call a thing what it is. Maybe sometimes you know there are no words and there never will be. Only sounds that cry like a baby, so vividly but without any clear meaning.

Either way, there is, in the mix, gratitude for the voice, for the sun, for those things you know are there even if you can't yet see them. Maybe that's called poetry. Maybe that's called faith.

"We're just holding on to nothing

To see how long nothing lasts."

-Beck, Paper Tiger

Mama said...

2011-03-03T19:45:00.000-08:00

That you have to feel for folks when they're a little nuts because you never know what they've been through... and I've known people like that... and I've felt things for people like that and then felt taken advantage of... and I've also been that person.

Situation #11

Today was a day for the latter.

Situations which I found myself in today:

Situation No.1 - I am trying to put more than 145lbs. over my head and it just isn't going to happen - and so I proceed to pummeling myself with a smooth combination of movements dubbed "1/2 Angie". Tried really hard to beat Chris and then he had to go and do 10 extra reps of the ab wheel rollouts and make a bathroom trip. Subsequently could not claim a solid victory. This is my life.

Situation No.2 - I follow the lovely Liz Edmonds to Physical Therapy and spend time wrapped in the sterilized viscera of bands and strange machines, old women with dislocated shoulders, and bulky men with plantar fasciitis. There are many thoughts of ball and socket joints. I feel like I am swimming in ideas and anatomy - tunneling through angles and physiology.

Situation No.3 - I am blessed to see a baby and maneuver around its mother's back trying to fix some aches and pains. I've never felt a back that wasn't loaded with all kinds of trouble. There is something assuring about being with a child, or being with a good friend - safe is a great feeling, albeit sometimes a fleeting one.

Situation No. 4 - Lunch with my beau in which I am distracted, both by gluten and my freaking phone. As per usual, he doesn't bat so much as a twitchy eyelid.

Situation No.5 - “It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.” - Alex Karras

Situation No. 6 - Walk home and be for all of half an hour.

Situation No. 7 - Take a cab a short distance and assure him I'll tip him well if he doesn't mind taking me for such small fare. Cabbie commences in discussing cab fare and how much I should tip him ("Some people just walk in and give me $20 to take 'em round the block."). He then picks up a homeless man into the front seat at Broad and Walnut while I am still in the cab and asks him if he feels like he's dying because the man wants to go the hospital. ________________. Needless to say I get out at Broad and Locust and throw eight big ones at the guy for a four dollar cab ride. Maybe I was trying to be ironic? I don't think I was trying to be nice.

Situation No. 8 - Running and skinning my knee on my way to grab coconut water, in the 5 year old way you do when you are trying to do a million things are really all you need is a nap. Ouch.

Situation No. 9 - Being engulfed by the push jerk, Metallica, and more of the same Angie. I think I literally saw stars about five times tonight as I coached. I felt like I had mothballs for teeth (there's an image, eh?)

Situation No. 10 - Sashimi, ok, and gyoza.... cause it was either that or wine... and the story of Rachel and Leah, but like, Jerry Springer style.

Situation No. 11 - Walk home with Sammy to find a vacuum cleaner chillin' in a homeless man's grocery cart. Because, you know - maybe he needs to clean some ish up on his life too?

Really though...

2011-03-02T11:07:00.001-08:00

if I could have any dog and home big enough to let it run in...

it would be this one:

a six week old husky.

And while I'm at it, did you know that I have had two rabbits in my lifetime? Rabbit, the second, was Snowball (real creative, I know). He was left in Italy after we moved. Seeing as how I got him from a farm that farms rabbits to eat it was only fitting that I then returned him back to said farm when the time came.

Rabbit, the first, was named Snowflake and, I am sorry to say was starved to death on account of my family missing our flight and his running out of water in his own little home. :( I dug a grave around the blackberry bushes and buried him, headstone and all. Even now I can remember visiting Snowflake's grave before I left Tremestieri Eteneo for the last time.

On a perhaps entirely unrelated note... Arrus and I went to The Dandelion Pub one day and I loved the atmosphere and I ate the scallops... but Arrus had the rabbit pot pie and let me tell you... it was good.

Very much into Tea lately.

2011-03-01T12:39:00.000-08:00

I would totally go through the trouble of special ordering the herbs below to try this tea from Elana's Pantry. Been loving herbal teas as of late - made ginger, raw honey, and cinnamon this morning and it was the peeeerfect start to the day. I seriously think it probably helped me PR my press :)

And it's also just worth it to run through some fun little photos of tea. Making tea... well, making tea is just obviously something so needed in the world.

There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea. ~Bernard-Paul Heroux

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

Lewis Carroll

Tea is drunk to forget the din of the world. ~T'ien Yiheng

I love the idea of mixing your own herbal teas... forgive me, but it's like drinking art.

Mint tea. Reminds me of Tea-o-3.

Find yourself a cup of tea; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things.

Saki

It's so true.

And this is a beautiful moment.

And even just tea cups WITHOUT tea in them are soothing!

Each cup of tea represents an imaginary voyage.

Catherine Douzel

A Proper Tea is much nicer than a Very Nearly Tea, which is one you forget about afterwards.

A.A. Milne

Startled.

2011-03-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

“To love is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.”

- Emily Dickinson

When I was younger and could not think of things to journal I would simply write what I had been learning lately. Here's what I have been learning...

1. I have never been in love long enough to know what it is like to really hurt the person you love.

2. Muscles can be tight. Joints can be tight. All of this and more can be mended.

3. It is so incredibly important to balance the mind, the soul, and the body. This lack of balance is the cause of most of my problems.

4. I'm not THAT great at cooking, but I do love food.

5. I can be mean when I'm sleepy - therefore I should sleep a lot more.

6. It's so important to be an individual in a relationship - to not lose the wanderlust that comes with being on your own. I really think it's what's best for everyone involved.

7. Grudges, just like death and taxes, are a sure thing in life. The practice of letting things go is just that, a practice.

8. Every body has a reason for being who they are, and for doing what they do. This is an old one, and simply a reminder.

9. New relationships are inevitable - what you do with the old ones is up to you.

10. I miss school sometimes - enough probably to go back sooner than I thought.

A Little Longfellow for your Tuesday Morning reminds of what it's like when you aren't around.
from "A Gleam of Sunshine"

But now, alas! the place seems changed;
Thou art no longer here:
Part of the sunshine of the scene
With thee did disappear.

Though thoughts, deep-rooted in my heart,
Like pine-trees dark and high,
Subdue the light of noon, and breathe
A low and ceaseless sigh;

This memory brightens o'er the past,
As when the sun, concealed
Behind some cloud that near us hangs
Shines on a distant field.

Sufjan. Yes.

2011-02-24T09:23:00.000-08:00

There's too much, too much, too much love

There are so many reasons to love Dan John

2011-02-12T07:33:00.000-08:00

This one, from his recent book, just makes me smile.

Thaaank goodness I don't have to go here anymore...

Honestly, have a group of young athletes do any serious movement that involves peak concentration, perfection of technique, well maintained equipment and developed skills and one of these fine young people will ask: “What muscle does it build?” Shake your head, shake your hand to the sky in rage and wrath, or come to grips with all of this stuff.

For the record, we have two standard answers to “what muscle does it build?” when the athlete is snatching, cleaning or swinging. First: “You know when you leap up in the end zone and snag the ball between two defenders and win the state championship? Yes? Well, it is that muscle.”

Second answer: “Let’s just keep doing snatches for another hour and we will ask you tomorrow as a pop quiz?” Both answers are excellent, but the second one is really more fun for the coach.

Is OPT Yoda?

2011-02-02T08:11:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure he is.

From my first CrossFit competition ever.

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.
And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

Glutes.

2011-02-01T18:15:00.001-08:00

I like this dude's warm-up.

YAY :)

2011-01-26T19:01:00.000-08:00

You know I need to remember these...

2011-01-21T11:14:00.001-08:00

THURSDAY 110120

Snatch 1-1-1-1-1-1-1 reps

Jake Rubash 247lbs, Josh Everett 245lbs, Michael Giardina 243lbs,Brandon Pastorek 243lbs, Brandon Phillips 235lbs, Rob Miller 225lbs,Kristan Clever 155lbs, Katie Hogan 155lbs, Rebecca Voigt 120lbs.

The question competition inspires.

2011-01-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

Could I have done more?

For me, training is fun, even if you are there to get legitimate work done. Training is done with a plan to be better... but it is ok if the week just doesn't permit it. Training can be serious, but never so serious that you feel like doing well might be something imminently important to you. Training can be approached in a variety of moods and still completed. Training is done with some eyes on you but no one really minding what you do for better or for worse - it's just what you do.

But competition demands respect.

Competition demands your best. Competition demands a stern mind, a fueled body, a rested nervous system, and a standard. It demands a plan. It demands discipline.

On competition day, If you can't do it, you aren't going to do it. You aren't going to scale. You aren't going to get an extra second to run to the bathroom. You aren't going to get what you want because you're not having a good day.

And unlike when you train and you ask yourself "could I have done more?" and the answer is RARELY ever "Nope", competition makes that question feel deeply important. Because, after all, this is kind of your chance. It's your opportunity to take all of what you have done every 6am, noon, or 530p class and see what it is worth in numbers, and in contrast to everyone else who does what you do.

And whether you win, or you lose, you want your effort to be honest - you want it to be a real representation of WHAT YOU CAN DO.

So this is how the question always haunts me. I know my effort during competitions is very different than my effort during training (if only because I feel less pressured when training) - but that voice in my head is always the same, "slow down", "be careful", "it doesn't really matter", "you're already behind anyway".

Battling those small nudges is what bettering myself is ultimately about. Balancing them out is the challenge.

"Get rid of your fear of failure, your tensions about succeeding, you will be yourself. Relaxed. You wouldn’t be driving with your brakes on. That’s what would happen."

- Anthony DeMello

Eleven is a nice number.

2011-01-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

Gravity's my enemy.

Muscle Ups at 215 - a short analysis from CrossfitCC on Vimeo.

My New Years’ Resolution for 2010 was one thing: to live more simply.

A slew of small enlightened sentences would spring forth from my wee blog in the months to come. There was a lot of change. A lot of movement. A lot of acceptance of things that, had you attempted to warn me of prior to my experience, I would never have believed would happen.

Truth be told, it’s been a year of growing pains in both my personal and professional life.

I wonder whether I really have simplified. I now live in Philadelphia and find keeping myself in service to one business much more fulfilling than two, or three. I now find myself accepting the company of an incredible man who reminds me of the things I want to live for every day I know him. I now find myself imperfectly, but earnestly trying to cast off the forces in my life that weigh me down (my car, my inbox, and my “things” in general) in favor of those that build me up (my friends, my family, my faith, my training, my journey).

Plotting his way to Brazil I'm sure...

2011 presents me with new beginnings galore: a new gym, a new apartment, a new relationship, new friends, and a new outlook. I hope to allow this year to be what it will - everything that is hoped for but nothing that is promised.

Here’s the concrete; 11 things I hope to do in the next year:

1. Certified USA Olympic Weightlifting Coach come May (Totten)
2. Win something - not sure what yet - OR simply compete in my first Oly Meet ever.
3. Finish meeting with DB (my accountant and financial advisor - pretty much) about money and CFCC
4. Go to Colorado and take an anusara class from Heidi.
5. Go to church - not because I must, but because I want to, at least once a month.
6. Read and implement Gray Cook, also Kelly Starrett at CFCC at least 1x a week.
7. Play tennis through the spring, summer, and fall at least a few times a month.
8. Find somewhere to sing.
9. Cook the majority of my food at home and finally buy a grass-fed meat freezer for CFCC.
10. Go to the Mutter Museum.

11. Take a class/get a certification: either anusara, CSCS, another language, sewing, or... SOMETHING.

I'm saving the CrossFit Goals for AFTER HYBRID. :)

Inspiration.

2011-01-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

"Jackie"

2010-11-28T14:52:00.001-08:00

I'd be curious to see if I can get my time WAY down for something like this...

I'd like to use this as a big benchmark... hmmm...

Autumn n' Fall.

2010-11-28T12:23:00.000-08:00

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

- George Eliot

From Anna Marra.

Currently a sick nugget.

2010-11-28T12:01:00.001-08:00

Being nursed back to health by a RIDICULOUS amount of sleep and a wonderful man who will not let me stop drinking tea and eating soup.

wriiiiiists.

2010-10-17T17:46:00.001-07:00

http://www.cathletics.com/gallery/video.php?videoID=114

These are some stats I want to remember.

2010-10-16T07:16:00.001-07:00

CROSSFIT TOTAL

Dave Lipson: Squat 550, Press 215, Deadlift 635. Total 1400lbs
Jason Khalipa: Squat 445, Press 240, Deadlift 535. Total 1220lbs
Kristan Clever: Squat 270, Press 115, Deadlift 335. Total 720lbs
Katie Hogan: Squat 245, Press 115, Deadlift 320. Total 685lbs
Elyse Umeda Squat 275, Press 105, Deadlift 295. Total 675lbs
Rebecca Voigt: Squat 215, Press 105, Deadlift 350. Total 670lbs
Kim Malz: Squat 235, Press 95, Deadlift 275. Total 605lbs

Running, my Ebenezer.

2010-10-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

I can't call it my nemesis cause I'm gonna get better at it. I will call it my Ebenezer.

1 Samuel 7:12

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the LORD helped us.”

–noun, plural -ses [-seez] Show IPA.

something that a person cannot conquer, achieve, etc.: Theperformance test proved to be my nemesis.

an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best orovercome.

( initial capital letter ) Classical Mythology . the goddess ofdivine retribution.

an agent or act of retribution or punishment.

Origin: < L < Gk némesis lit., a dealing out, verbid of némein to dispense(justice); see -sis

MUSIC.

2010-09-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

Lately... Lily Allen, Kate Nash, and the Gorillaz (so wish I was going).

ADORING my weekends lately. I am blessed.

2010-09-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

Bear in mind that you should conduct yourself in life as at a feast.

Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)

Change and things.

2010-09-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

"That it’s rough out there and chancy is no surprise. Every live thing is a survivor on a kind of extended emergency bivouac. But at the same time we are also created. … What do we think of the created universe, spanning an unthinkable void with an unthinkable profusion of forms? Or what do we think of nothingness, those sickening reaches of time in either direction? … Cruelty is a mystery, and the waste of pain. But if we describe a world to compass these things, a world that is a long, brute game, than we bump against another mystery: the inrush of power and light, the canary that sings on the skull. Unless all ages and races of men have been deluded by the same mass hypnotist (who?), there seems to be such a thing as beauty, a grace wholly gratuitous. … I think that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them. The least we can do is try to be there." - Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

I'm grateful for a lot of things lately. Can't explain it... just really, really grateful.

A friend reminded me the other day that being rich has nothing to do with money. In that sense, I'm rich, folks. RICH, I tell you.

I've got days where I get to drink coffee in a quiet spot, afternoons where I talk to people I don't know about food, about Philly, and about just about anything. My nights are pocketed with visions of people conquering great heights, quelling small fears.

I can't ask for anything more.

Like everyone else I feel like I've just joined the world in breathing a collective sigh of relief to be feeling Fall. I'm on the cusp of being able to move out of a world of tile and weights and into a sweet hall where eels and plants used to be kept. I'm not really sure what this all amounts to, but every Fall I think of college, change, and seasons.

I couldn't live any where where seasons don't exist as I feel them in my bones and wait for them to shed layers of myself I think. So the question this September poses is... what layers am I waiting to shed?

Walking is good for thinking about layers. You start off cold and then wonder why you even bothered with the sweater in the first place.

We all need the process though. We all need cold, warm, cozy, and rainy. We need sometimes quiet, sometimes funny, sometimes goofy, sometimes serious, sometimes sad, sometimes curious... Each circumstance shapes us and I am busy putting things in my life lately to mold me. I've gone a long while without being intentional about the process of becoming, but I realize - the places you put yourself in, the ideas you rise with, you go to bed with... these change you, change your choices, change your moods, change you.

So I'm trying to choose wisely, I guess. And the more I put myself out there to be chipped up against, the more I learn about what I am willing to let go of, what I am never going to be rid of, and what I'd like to patch on.

I've been known to run away from what scares me and hey, sometimes this is important - like when my friend got held up at 40th and Market in broad daylight or when my other friend got held up in two relationships at once that were both completely abusive. Sure. Sure there are occasions to drop your purse and get the hell out of the way.

But when you are alone, and you are too busy thinking about what you hate, who hates you, and whether all of your life will be spent this way... it is better to pick up and just do something that will change you.

There are occasions when the thing you are scared of, the change you are freaking out about must be dealt with. You must calculate the risk... and take it. Sometimes, you have to just "try to be there". I figure this takes practice, just like Olympic Lifting and jumping on boxes. You rehearse bravery... you don't just become brave. It, like all things, takes practice. It takes letting go. But you must be there to bear witness to your own becoming.

Because summer is coming to a close and... I still had all of this on my camera.

2010-09-04T20:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Rob Orlando,

Please make me as strong as you.

VERY sincerely,

Erin

ON YOUTUBE

ON VIMEO

Why I do what I do. :)

2010-08-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

Moments like these and people like Stu.

“Women should be tough, tender, laugh as much as possible and live long lives.”

Maya Angelou (American Poet, b.1928)

My favorite movement. And who we are not.

2010-08-17T17:16:00.000-07:00

You are not your body composition.

You are not your Squat PR.

You are not your tupper-ware.

You are not your marriage, your relationship, your lust.

You are not the people you love.

You are not the people you idolize.

You are not the people who love you.

You are not your children.

You are not your nationality.

You are not your family.

You are not your religion.

You are not your brokenness.

You are not your habits.

You are not your past.

You are not your future.

You are not the food you eat.

You are not the clothes you wear.

You are not the way you talk.

You are not your mistakes.

You are not your degree, your job, or your calling.

You are not even the skin you're in because that will fade too.

You are not yours.

You are not even your loneliness.

You are not your discontent.

You are not your anger.

You are not your goodness.

You are something far deeper, far more intricate, far more flighty, far more present, far more hard to pin down.

But you always are.

Forgiveness.

2010-08-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

This is coming from the below: "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert : "In the end, it seems to me that forgiveness may be the only realistic antidote we are offered in love, to combat the inescapable disappointments of intimacy."

but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

That is what I feel I have been in intimacy - disappointed. And disappointment rises out of expectation. Expect nothing. Appreciate everything. Try not to get walked over. Let Go. Forgive. Learn. Move on. And the beat goes on.

Maybe it's culture that sets us up. Maybe it's me.

Someone very close to me has (in the past) expressed to me before that I have massively disappointed them. That's a hard thing to accept - especially if the way you are is a way that you need to be for a time. It's not a good feeling.

Still I think in the end, it's life that guides us to expect big things. We love mountains, horizons, shores, and prospects. It's embedded in us to love treasure, to hope for it, to expect it.

We expect loyalty. We cast a line out for friendship. Every step we take is a risk, not a promise.

We do this again and again and again - no matter how many times we are run into ground, no matter how many times we feel emotional pain so intense it's visceral, no matter how many times we lose faith and feel wrecked.

I used to think starfish and regenerated limbs were cool - but how do you regenerate hope?

I've been waitressing again and this experience, in spite of the running around, is something that keeps me humble and mystified by just how brave everyone in the world is. Some of the people I meet every day are incredibly brave. They wake up in the morning and meet the day... regardless of how they feel, regardless of the fact that there are dreams the size of Jupiter in their hearts - things they want to do, things they wish they'd never done, memories they are trying to forget.

Still, you meet the day.

I wonder if anyone else ever gets this feeling? Some people are absolutely fascinating to me. They are worlds of events, potential, and scars. It's like some crazy action movie where the hero gets pummeled by bullet after bullet but somehow manages to speak, to act, to live to die another day. How does everyone walk around living with a knife in their back? How do they do it?

And they do. Anyone I have ever met and had the time to get to know knows pain, knows what it's like to be betrayed, to betray another, to betray yourself. How do we do it? How do we live with ourselves?

We are ridiculously resilient.

I think I am beginning to understand that so much of letting go is bound up in forgiveness - something I don't really talk about much anymore, though I'd formerly practiced it (and believe me, that ish takes practice). I don't think we're asked to overlook all of this - because the people that refuse to believe they are broken are the weirdest of all, the least happy - but I do think we are asked to acknowledge that nothing is so bad that hating it will make it better.

And in the end too - I think forgiving yourself may be the hardest part.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” - August Wilson

iofficiallyhatethis.

2010-08-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hell hath no fury, and words.

2010-08-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'll marry myself to the whole wide world
And never make her cry

-The Wailin' Jenny's

Your hips are just never too open.

2010-07-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

DUDE. They just aren't.

See here.

Think on these things.

2010-07-22T09:36:00.001-07:00

Going back to Cali: 25 lessons learned.

2010-07-21T07:50:00.000-07:00

1. There are some things that are more important than CrossFit... and their names are Marco, Naomi, Taryn, Hannah, Sherry, and Marco.

2. Eating an incredible breakfast every single day of your life is a certain to induce happiness.

3. There are people in the world who wake up at 7am almost every morning... slip on a skin tight wet-suit, walk about 50 ft. with a board covered in a substance called "sex wax" and "surf" or literally ride the waves of the ocean. What???

4. I like shopping. I like shopping with Rachel Greengas more.

5. CrossFit is officially official (see the CrossFit Games).

6. When I leave CFCC people miss me. Whew. <3

7. When I leave CFCC Greg will not hesitate to call me at 7am anyway about somesuchthingoranotherthanksgreg.

8. A bad flight can make you completely forget how good a vacation is.

9. 3 layovers is not worth $100. Got it.

10. You think you're going to need 9 shirts, 4 shorts, 3 pairs of pants, 19 pairs of undergarments, 6 dresses, 4 pairs of shoes, and countless other amenities when in California but what you really need is 5 good swimsuits, 3 dresses, a nightgown, some sunscreen, some aloe, a tube of toothpaste, a tube of shampoo, one pair of shoes, and a pair of sunglasses.

11. Biking still makes more than just my butt hurt. That said, I suppose I can now say that spin classes are good for something.

12. While reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert : "In the end, it seems to me that forgiveness may be the only realistic antidote we are offered in love, the combat the inescapable disappointments of intimacy." It's not depressing if you know what it means... it means you can get forgiven...

13. I have a lot of faults. I wrote them all down. I'm telling you... I have a LOT of faults.

14. At Sharkee's... when you get one of this you are really getting two. Just saying.

15. Apparently all is still fair in love and war.

16. Some day I would really love to buy a beach house for somebody.

17. I have decided to start writing and actively pursuing music again... this means... I can afford the aforementioned beach house.

18. If you're looking for a great place to stay and do almost nothing for a weekend... Manhattan Beach is your ticket. I will be back. To very resolutely do more nothing.

19. On some Midwest flights they give you two chocolate chip cookies. On others... one.

20. Ejote is corn covered in mayo, dressed with sharp cheese, and chile powder. Napkins required.

21. Shrimp ceviche and mahi mahi is what I want for dinner.

22. Whole Foods is so sad here. So very, very sad.

23. No matter how long you've known them... people will still surprise you.

24. You also get MONEY when you win the CrossFit Games... I forgot!

25. “Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” - J.R.R. Tolkien

And now... a post about an animal.

2010-07-08T15:16:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite books when I was younger than I am now.

The world's largest animal, the funniest-looking-but-still-somehow-graceful ears.

A memorable moment in Disney elephant history (there are a lot of elephants in Disney World).

Elephant anatomy is also pretty freaking cool. I feel like Marcy Rose must know a thing or two about this.

And lastly, for serious... elephants have the largest brains on the planet... though they have poor eyesight they've been known to recognize themselves in mirrors (a somewhat weirdly-Narcissus-like sign of intelligence in the animal kingdom...), grieve, hold grudges, and play.

Sticks and stones.

2010-07-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

Such a great piece of history, from a man who I think dealt with it so well. The whole speech is awesome... but the bit that I love is here:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt.

There's a lot to do in the coming months, the coming year... A LOT. And lately, in conversations with so many and through reading around... I wonder sometimes why I am where I am and how I got here. Why am I doing CrossFit? How has this whole thing become pretty much my whole life? Are there other phases? There are lot of other ways to train, ways to be fit, things to do... When do they happen?

I'm not entirely sure I have a full answer. I know that today I was exhausted from 5 hours of sleep (I kind of have no choice right now) and very busy running back and forth between a bunch of appointments... but I could not have been happier while coaching. I love this place. I love these people. And I am so proud of all of them.

That's more than worth it for now.

You know what I need?

2010-06-30T10:03:00.001-07:00

I need to remember a little.

Some people know the Tribe of this era. It has grown into a wonderful place full of some stellar athletes and some incredible drive to perform well.

I feel like lately I'm remembering this era.

Before there was a dream about going to the CrossFit Games, before there was CrossFit Center City, before there was a whiteboard - there was a truck full of sandbags and small tires, a swinging pull-up bar, a very small schedule, years of Workouts of the Day, and a small group of very normal people.

What they say about most bad parenting in most cases is that it's really just confusion or miscommunication. You bring a child into the world and you are solely responsible for making sure that child learns the basics and is protected. The older they get however, and usually just at the time where they have the ability to take the most risks, the more you find that the child needs you less - and that you have become reliant upon being needed.

It is hard to let go. It is hard to acknowledge when a season is done.

What helps me - what has helped me - is thinking about it - remembering what it used to be like - and telling myself... it's so different now, I don't even recognize it... and I don't mind. How it is now is how it was always going to be.

If something is going to be really good - it is going to grow into it's own thing. You can't control it. You can't hold it back. It is growing because it is good.

I'm pretty sure Tribe has grown like that. It is the people that make it amazing, infectious, and a place where a normal person can begin to feel very special. It's a phenomenon of CrossFit - most of the time it's only the truly surprising people that put in the time.

I feel like a small part of me doesn't miss old Sunday Open Gyms... even though I thought I would. I don't miss when people would wonder over to Rt. 70 hungover and somehow ready to work out. I don't really mind that it's not my camera recording every moment - and it's not my fingers every Sunday typing out a long slew of PRs and things perfected on to the world wide web.

I'd hoped at the time that someone was watching our little Tribe of 15 or so people. I'd hoped that someone else would come in and join us. I dreamed really big dreams for such a small place - for so many beginners.

Every new person was like a world of their own - bringing a different dynamic to the week, challenging everyone in new ways, and causing everyone to hope for the Tribe that would eventually be.

So things change - they become what they are - and all of us have become better. It would be a mistake to think that hanging on to the past could somehow be a good thing.

Change, though frightening for whatever primal reason, is a good thing. It is how we get better. It is how we learn.

I have a lot of love for all of those days. I could go on forever about each and every person I can remember walking through the door. But remembering will only get you so far.

It's no less true today than it was then:

You’ll find, as I did, that excellence boils down to a simple truth: you’ve got to reject where you are before you can get where you’re going. You've got to be better than you were yesterday.

-Jon Gilson

2010-06-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844–89). Poems. 1918.

2. Heaven—Haven

A nun takes the veil

I HAVE desired to go
Where springs not fail,
To fields where flies no sharp and sided hail
And a few lilies blow.

And I have asked to be
Where no storms come,
Where the green swell is in the havens dumb,
And out of the swing of the sea.

John Wooden is the man.

2010-06-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

I need to read books by him.

This incredible coach just passed away ... but while alive effected so many for the better and said the following:

A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

Tis the season to... EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

2010-06-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

So I have this awesome friend that is following a very simple nutritional program that I've laid out for her and she mentioned that I should pass along any veggie recipes I knew.

The truth is... I LOVE VEGETABLES. Here's how I answered her:

As far as veggie recipe ideas go...

I know you love Elana as much as I do but FOR SERIOUS... the list of things she makes is EXHAUSTIVE and so dependably good! http://www.elanaspantry.com/recipes/ I like the savory stuff and the veggies! :) If you stick exactly to some of the salad recipes too you're not getting a ton of fat at ALL with the dressings. If you're fretting about that anyway you can always stick with super lean meats to go with your salads... simple boiled chicken breast or pre-sliced turkey and chicken or pre-poached salmon from Trader Joe's. The great thing about most of her veggie recipes too is that there IS some fruit flavoring (like raisins in the kale, oranges in the salads...). This is ok! All I would do is just take out the fruit you might have in the morning and exchange it for the fruit in the salad later in the day.

A word on salads:

They can be great and really filling because of all the bulk from the leaves. I'm sure you could figure out a way to do a cobb salad... I often eat my salads without dressing and find that I'm totally cool with that as long as I can drizzle a little of the fat from the pan of whatever I cooked over my salad - or do a little lemon/lime/orange squeezing... OR - do mustard. Mustard's a pretty sweet thing to use when trying to get lean because it does provide good flavoring - but it's pretty much not very calorie dense at all. Mustard chicken could be easy to make and fun to eat. You could also do a thai tasting salad pretty easily too by adding a tiny pit of almond butter to a chicken marinade (marinating stuff is WHERE IT'S AT by the way). OR make it simple and buy a marinade that's real and a little low in fat... use it sparingly (don't drench your meat) and you should be safe!

Here are some of the veggie recipes that I think would be great to try:

http://www.elanaspantry.com/raw-kale-salad/

http://www.elanaspantry.com/asian-slaw/ - do this one without the stevia, sesame seeds, and instead of buying a JAR of almond butter that you will then have around - just buy a packet or a small tin of almond butter. Peanut butter if you have to.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/coleslaw/ - no agave nectar! You're probably safe trying this recipe without the sweetener altogether but what I would do is just throw in a little raw honey. It's tough to eat a lot of that stuff so having it around probably won't be that bad. Feel free to just use packets of honey if you don't want to risk it. A few is fine. As far as the mayonnaise part goes - just get the omega-3 mayo wegmans has and only do like anywhere from 1/2 to 1/4 of a cup. Pretty basic.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/cucumber-mango-salad/ - super simple, super refreshing. What I would do as far as the mango goes is do a LOT more cucumber than mango and again take out the fruit in the am. PS... ume plum vinegar is GREAT for you... the Japanese use it to cure hangovers.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/no-potato-salad/ - this is an EXCELLENT idea and would go REALLY well with burgers for a week. I think you could easily get away with making this just as is.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/sunflower-sprout-salad/ - SUPER SIMPLE! And as easy as it gets. Grab greens, grab tomatoes, grab some sprouts (good for you!), grab a teeny bit of olive oil and lemon juice, maybe some cracked pepper and you're golden! Serve with fish, I think! Or maybe some shrimp!

http://www.elanaspantry.com/zucchini-attack-summer-squash-salad/ - sounds good to me, I'd do one tbs. of olive oil and skip the almonds. Summer means SO MUCH SQUASH AROUND... should be pretty simple. DO NOT skip the FRESH BASIL. Fresh herbs make food incredible.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/roasted-asparagus/ - so simple... asparagus is CHOCK full of B vitamins (some of the best for your brain and nerve tissue regeneration (makes you stronger!)... it's also got folic acid in it which makes you smell. ha!

http://www.elanaspantry.com/squash-pie/ - I've made this before... it's AWESOME as a breakfast takeaway thing! I'd eat it with a hardboiled egg on the side since it already has eggs in it... but you can make it as is because it makes a LOT of food so the fat gets distributed well. It's great too because there's no fruit in it but it still tastes just slightly sweet!

http://www.elanaspantry.com/bbq-sauce/ - lucky you... this barbecue sauce is SAFE to make! The orange juice will be giving it a little bit of sugar... but you can just take the fruit out of your day for days when you eat this too (especially given the tomatoes)! :) I'd make a big vat of it if you really like it and just dress all your chicken in it. Eat it with some collard greens and plain sweet potato and you've got a bangin' meal.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetarian-recipes/carrots - so many ways to make CAAAARRRROOOOTSS!!!!!!!!! Go light on the butter with the first recipe and you should be fine (you probably won't need more than a pat of it to give it some depth).

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetarian-recipes/baked-mushrooms - these are fine too! Lay off anything but a LITTLE bit of hard cheese. Just the baked mushroom itself is AWESOME. You know you want to eat these when someone ELSE makes them for you! :)

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetarian-recipes/braised-greens - this is definitely a good way to make greens. Pretty much a staple. You can mess around with flavor. Ginger and garlic with bok choy. Nutmeg with spinach. Stuff like that.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetarian-recipes/easy-peas - Peas and mint. It's genius. Don't be afraid to like peas! Obviously use less butter.

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/vegetarian-recipes/good-old-french-bean-salad - You thought you would never have a reason to use chervil. Now you do. This is another recipe that shows you how AWESOME mustard is.

http://www.molliekatzen.com/recipes/recipe.php?recipe=mashed_parsnips - you should know what a parsnip is. It's the Beatrix Potter amazingness you need to seriously LOVE.

http://www.molliekatzen.com/archives.php#vegetables - in general, mollie katzen is awesome...

That's about it! I have a lot more - like do you even know what daikon is? And we didn't talk about pickles! - but I'll hold off for now.

Love,

2010-05-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

After you've done a thing the same way for two years, look it over carefully. After five years, look at it with suspicion. And after ten years, throw it away and start all over.

~Alfred Edward Perlman, New York Times, 3 July 1958

2010-05-09T18:26:00.001-07:00

"If we cling to belief in God, we cannot likewise have faith, since faith is not clinging but letting go." -Alan Watts

PS - if I were rich... I would do a lot of things - but I would REALLY want to be able to do that.

Singed hair and mile-high memories.

2010-05-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

GO HERE to see what REALLY happened at Tough Mudder.

"Why?

If you're not making much progress, it's time to give yourself a boost.

Remind yourself why. Remind yourself why you chose the path you are on.

Remind yourself why you selected the priorities that you now follow. Perhaps it is time to focus on a new destination. Or perhaps you could simply use a good, clear reminder of what's truly important to you.

Ultimately, it’s the same thing. It can be all too easy to get caught up and dragged down by the day-to-day business of life.

Take time to regularly give yourself the benefit of the big picture."

~OPT - James Fitzgerald, male winner of the 1st CrossFit Games.

So. Somewhere in between the starting line and the fire at the Tough Mudder I got stuck at the end of our line. This, I tell myself, is an ok thing as my feet were not-so-nimbly attempting to miss impalement a la rock through the trails on Bear Creek Mountain. It is also ok because (I imagine) Anna Marra was busy bumble bee-ing her way ahead with Greengas (who surely humbled herself intentionally to walk up the 179 degree "hills"). Additionally, I believe Alyson Terranova was on speed. It's all good though because Ann's on steroids and DT is definitely stealing some kind of GH from Big DL.

If none of the above means anything to you - I hope you don't live near me... because it should. ;)

In the middle of the whole run there was a period of time where everyone was trekking through mud and stones in middle of the woods. The air was bright. The trees were long. And the pace was steady. There weren't that many rocks and I wasn't that tired. There were no more logs to slug uphill, and no more muddy pebbles to grate my knees on. It was just me and the sound of my breath.

As with so many hikes, and so many trails... you spend most of your time thinking about nothing but the next step. You go and go and go until suddenly you're at the top and you think, how did I get here? The funny thing about this thought process is that it's actually pretty involuntary. You're thinking but you're not REALLY thinking... The mind gets a break.

I think it was Annie Dillard who said that the key to getting through a hike was to do this. You never look to the summit. You may look behind you - but never to the summit. The next step is the only one and you can't hate it because it's right there in front of you. There's not even enough time to hate it. This is how you SHOULD hike, she said.

All that said, there's a time and a place to sit still and look around.

Up the first steep hill, Greengas and Anna climbed over some Marines or something to land at the top before I did. Alyson, in true Terranova fashion, steadily aimed from point to point and made it with little rest and little wear. I, on the other hand, took my grand old time.

Because really how many times in a month am I actually on a mountain?

Since sweat, mud, water, and heat leave you with very little dignity, I took to the bear crawl and grappled my way up the mountain. My form was probably pretty horrible but it was more fun to climb and stop, climb and stop...than desperately wish for someone to roll on top of me and take me to the bottom of the mountain so I could opt out (as so many signs mockingly petitioned us to do).

At a couple points on the hill and trails though, I took the time to very consciously admire the growing view around me - the expanse of air between me and the forest below, the kaleidoscope of green taking over the sky.

Do you ever feel an innate gratitude for being alive? Like an almost autonomous love for a moment? I do. I feel it some mornings when I'm given pause on the train at 520am, some days when the air smells like an olfactory love note to the places I've been. I felt that same gratitude even in the midst of my infamous love-hate relationship with exercise-induced pain. You know I felt that gratitude after being partially scalded by the fire at Tough Mudder!

I felt it in Denver too - tasting the most amazing food ever, witnessing my friend's wedding and the way the mountains just blended right into her smile. Talking to an old friend in such an open way I thought my heart might just start literally depicting itself upon my sleeve. I felt it flying cloud to cloud in the sky while reading a book that another friend has given me to take in.

Here is something I am learning about this thing that I have always thought was a good thing:

"I would like to learn, or remember, how to live. I come to Hollins Pond not so much to learn how to live as, frankly, to forget about it. That is, I don't think I can learn from a wild animal how to live in particular...but I might learn something of mindlessness, something of the purity of living in the physical senses and the dignity of living without bias or motive."

-Annie Dillard

I used to think that mindlessness was a big goal for me, a relieving thing. I thought it might be good for me NOT to take a step back and acknowledge the me that was looking at me - for ONCE! But now that I've kind of done it again... I admit - it feels good. It feels a bit like making it out of that fire alive!

What I'm learning is that we aren't pure - there are very few instances where we are "without bias or motive". Instead we are speckled all over with want, need, love, hate, pride, better intentions, shame, fear, and jealousy. The real evil is to pretend you aren't. The sly thing is that the more you think you're in the clear, the more you're not. (Observe Exhibit E-rin)

The key, I guess, is to notice it, to notice that you are bound to want to look back, you are bound to want to look forward and decide what you will do about it. You are equally bound to rock on ahead without a care in the world for a while.

In the midst of your striving, don't count it a selfish or self-possessed thing to need to take a look around and see where you are.

Furthermore, friends... I really don't think we should deny where we are.

Practically speaking, I was talking with someone the other day and stumbled upon the realization that I really begin to feel free of food when I finally realized that whether I ate a ton and gained 50lbs. or did everything pretty right and lost 15lbs. that just wasn't who I am. It was what I was doing and sure it was either making me look or feel a certain way, but it isn't, it wasn't, and it never will be WHO I am.

I think we spend a lot of time trying to craft an image (HELLO MY NAME IS FACEBOOK), trying to add 50 bajillion pounds to our deadlift (yup, I'm takin it personally!), and/or attempting to realize this crazy image of ourselves that we have in our heads.

We chase the damn thing much like a dog and its tail. Maybe even a french bull-dog...with a teeny tiny tail that proves impossible to get. :)

And really, it pays to sit up, pop a squat and assess your surroundings. It pays to think about whether you're saying one thing and doing another. You might need a moment (count 'em, A) to be brutally honest with yourself about just how ridiculous some of the things you expect from yourself really are. Or maybe, you need a moment to say, "Ok - this is the ninety millionth time I've said I'm gonna change and I still haven't... now, why's that?" I find myself resenting that I don't have C when I really haven't ever pictured what A and B in the lovely equation A + B = C is. Hmm...

Don't get me wrong. Doing is great. Doing gets things done (duh). But mindlessness is not the only way to be. Some people need to look back.

Yep. Before and After time!

2010-04-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

I recently received a string of emails from a bunch of the women that train with me about body composition and what CrossFit has done for their feelings of body image vs. body function. They were honest, heartfelt, and truly inspiring. This is just a little response.

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Just wanted to say to all of you that I could not be more proud to be reading these emails... I wish that every woman I know could understand what it's like to feel free to move, be aggressive, and (weirdly) graceful all at the same time...maybe that's why I love Oly lifting and gymnastics so much. These women are in a class all their own - and they do not mind being different if different means being DROP DEAD AWESOME!

I came to CrossFit by way of the women of CrossFit - both their abilities and their bodies. I began my journey with no idea about what would happen on the other end of chasing performance. At the time all I saw in my job, in America, and in my nightmares - was death and dying... a slow descent into dysfunctional old age and general self loathing. All I knew was that at the end of months without moving and having to buy new clothes because of post-college weight gain... I had to do something more than just run up random hills and eat Amy's Tofu Stir Fry bowls.

I have always loved moving and the feeling of being in the "zone" as an athlete and as a human being - that place where anything that was bothering you doesn't matter anymore because all you see is doing what's right in front of you. It's instinctive. It's bold. It's fun. It's simple. And the aftermath is a feeling of accomplishment like none other I have really known.

There have been a lot of ups and downs but no matter which way I swing it... here I am at the end of about 2 years of CrossFit and I am:

Capable of doing *almost* everything in CrossFit as rx'd: MAJOR WIN.

15lbs. lighter than I was... and still losing fat (I began at 155lbs. and when exercising regularly would dip to 148-149 sometimes when all I did was run a 1/2 hour to an hour a day). The other day I was 139lbs after breakfast. SO weird.

I wear anywhere from a size 2 to a size 8 in stores (you know how that goes with the make) - I used to barely squeeze into 8s and have to settle for 10s and up to 12s. I actually have LOTS of pants and skirts that I can no longer wear because they fall off me.

I eat bread (usually in the form of breakfast sandwiches), oatmeal, and bacon a couple times a week (don't tell Steve, HAHAHA) but tend to do fine laying off fruit and trying to eat a TON of lean protein and some vegetables a couple days a week. I rarely eat fruit and if I do it's usually one piece - I used to eat BAGS of fruit every day.

I used to hate that I was doomed to never have stick legs... now I feel pretty awesome about being able to run around in shorts without chub rub (YEP, I SAID IT!) and loving the heck out of my now-very-visibly defined glutes, hamstrings, and quads. Seriously folks, it's super weird when you start moving around enough and your calves get thinner.

*aside from anything heavier than repping 185lbs. during WODs and maybe "Isabel"... which is 30 95lb. Snatches for time... but I should do that soon... ha! Also the odd weighted pullup WOD or L-pullup WOD is sometimes doable just smokes me.

Here are three simple things I've been doing for all this time that I think have made the difference:

1. Chase performance, not aesthetics. I've said it before and I will say it again - if you can do 10 deadhang pullups, deadlift 2x bodyweight, and run a 7 minute mile... you are going to LOOK like someone who can do all those things. So just work toward being able to do them and I guarantee you - you'll get your form with your function.

2. Try new things. Whether that's new things in training or new diet things... if it's not working - fix it. I debated with whether or not I should just title #2 "try new things" or "eat your bodyweight in grams of protein and don't drink like a fish". You can decide.

3. Stick to the plan, flighty. I'm as non-committal as they come when it comes to day to day routines and meals - but sometimes... you've got to do what you know works STRICTLY, FOR A WHILE. LIKE A MONTH. That's right. A MONTH. Put your body through a bit of discipline and it'll thank you. Don't be a bad scientist and claim you kept the controls in your experiment sound when REALLY every trial was filled with exceptions.

Most of all, I'd really encourage you all to keep having fun no matter what... untapped potential is a sad thing - but so is feeling like a slave to any kind of training regimen. It's normal to go through phases in your training where you don't feel like doing what you've been doing. I'd use those times to back off and re-evaluate what you want to get out of your training. The possibilities are endless. Competing is fun - but so is being really good at just one thing (rowing, olympic lifting, or just pull-ups).

CrossFit is supposed to be a lifelong way of creating a balanced body and strong mind. I couldn't be more thankful for the life that CrossFit has afforded me - or the joy and confidence that it has allowed me to give other women. I'm not saying I'm done, satisfied, or perfect either. On the contrary, I can't imagine what's next... but I'm totally game. :)

April Showers... are preceded by days like today... which THEN bring May flowers, I think.

2010-03-23T09:59:00.001-07:00

Things I've been thinking about (nothing of substance, beware):

1. I hate it when an angry man ruins my day. "Do you even KNOOOOOOOWWWW what a bumper is?!?!?!"

2. Yup. I want someone to teach me how to give my accountant free reign.

3. I had a dream last night I was in England. Crazy.

4. I went to lastminute.com and had no idea what I even wanted. Sad!

A-MAZING...and I want tattoos! :(

2010-03-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women. ~Madeleine K. Albright

Maybe I'm not not recovering...

2010-03-18T19:41:00.001-07:00

Maybe this dude is just beating my hamstrings in my dreams...

What I plan to do from now until sectionals:

1. Try to keep eating well - and on days when I don't train - only 100g of CHO a day.

2. Amass cat nap time... and adequate sleep (tonight is not a very good example).

3. Rest Friday, train Saturday and Sunday, take active rest until Saturday...

4. Learn to define active rest.

5. Get a massage - preferably on Tuesday or Wednesday.

6. Freak out when they post the WODs.

7. Text people after freaking out.

8. Freak out after receiving people's texts about freaking out.

9. Make Tribe T-shirts, special thanks to Karis and the one and only Shanie Mac.

10. Remember that this is supposed to be fun. :)

BAYUM.

2010-03-12T14:24:00.001-08:00

Pain is perception...

2010-03-07T18:35:00.001-08:00

And sometimes pain is just REALLY pain.

Picture taken from CrossFitEndurance.com - are you surprised???

And in life, not just in CrossFit, you need to learn to distinguish between the two. How do you really know the difference?

I don't know about the rest of you but there are definite times within the course of a workout that takes me all of 7 whole minutes that I grab a moment to truly contemplate. It is almost as if for a whole minute (at least) a question is throbbing through my brain - will this kill me or will this help me be better?

Over and over and over again - will this kill me or will this help me be better?

I could be wrong but I don't think that this question arises to those outside of CrossFit and the world of intense sports. For the most part, most normal people with normal lives and normal days (who are those people anyway?!?!) believe safer is better. Why play with fire? Why do something that hurts? Why test your self? Why keep going when you're tired? Why bother trying when you really just don't want to? Is there nothing to be got on the opposite end of the spectrum? Is too much simply too much?

I wager - that occasionally, getting a little delirious and doing things we may fail at is what we were made for. It is how we learn.

I personally don't want to live an unexamined life but I also choose my examinations wisely. I like calculated risk. So sue me. (Well - most of you signed waivers so hopefully you can't.)

Examples:

1. Alyson Terranova likes sky diving. A. LOT. I see it as one more way to have bad dreams for months on end.

2. I will go exploring in Jerusalem, but only in certain parts of the city and with certain company. I will plunder Pompeii but only for a certain amount time and to certain depths.

3. I don't date people I don't know outside of one context. Frankly, I can't date strangers. Too many bad things can happen. Though so far, bad things happen either way... Hmm...

So, I'm a little picky. I leap cautiously. I don't like walking in water I can't see through. I don't like beginning a day without a plan... and I don't like feeling in a workout that I might seize up and just die.

But here's the thing. A workout - in the end - is just a workout... the worst that happens to you is that you stop. Yep. Right where you are you just stop. Maybe you've got an acute injury (seen a lot of those), maybe you're having an asthma attack (and I've seen those too), maybe you're just plain not ready to handle another thing emotionally...

In the end, the worst that happens is you're still alive, and you're just wishing that for once - in a controlled environment - you chose to leap where you could not see.

All I know is - there's something about what I do and teach for a living that really does this for people. Quite literally if you think about the mechanics of a box jump (which I have now semi-mastered for the first time in my life, thank you, DT) and the kind of courage that can only come from self-discipline that it takes to land confidently under a bar in the Oly Lifts.

Of course - like all great things that humans eventually accomplish - you must have a plan B. You must have a way to fall, a way to fail, and a second path to run. But if you have never dared to find out what happens if Plan A works... that's just not living yet. Calculated risk - is still risk! You must be willing to fail in order to succeed.

Success springs from moments of intervention. These are times when one is able to turn the tide of the mind. For a moment your fears are pliable - captive in your hands. There is absolutely no need, and no room for self-doubt.

And it may sound silly, but I love this overcoming of perception. I love convincing myself otherwise. That I can run harder than I thought, that I can jump faster, that I can pull one more rep, push one more time. It spills over into my life. It gives me joy. It gives me strength. It makes me wonder at the way we are made and all the potential we hold.

2010-02-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

How much does a pound of snow weigh...

2010-02-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

and other questions you'll ask yourself when snowed in virtually by yourself during the month of February.

Will I ever go to New Zealand?

Will I ever get tired of A.J. Heschel?

Is it silly of me to look at all the snow outside and still want these?

Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. - A.J. Heschel

Simple food.

2010-02-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

Go to the market.

Buy whatever you see and combine it to make monstrously good food.

I bought 2 lbs. of pasture-raised turkey, 1 lb. of pasture-raised pork, 3 very curious looking sweet potatoes, a big chunk of grass-fed butter, and 5 slabs of really intriguing flatbreads (made out of brown rice and millet flour).

Why I feel ok eating a lot of carbs (~150g a day) from some otherwise questionable sources but not eating a lot of fruit:

1. A very active lifestyle.

2. Fructose is apparently not so good for you in any form.

3. Fruit is not easy to come by in nature except for one time of the year... and even then, wild fruit is waaaaaaaaaaay less sweet.

4. Most of the easier to buy fruits are higher in fructose, including what most "primal" or "paleo" baked goods and snacks are made of, agave nectar, honey, and/or dates. Even molasses has a pretty high sucrose level.

5. Fruit is an exception. And I don't always miss it... though sometimes I do. Sometimes I'd just rather eat bacon.

6. Leptins in grains, are also in nuts... sometimes in higher levels. Have to find this link.

7. I eat fruit. Just not NEARLY as much as I used to eat (piece with every meal at least).

8. Fruit just makes me crave more fruit!

2010-01-21T19:27:00.000-08:00

Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. - Marcus Aurelius

Simplicity is...

knowing that there are always things to be grateful for, things to open your heart up to.

Simplicity is...

knowing that your mood will change the way you do this and how often you think of it.

Simplicity is...

waiting for inspiration, accepting it as it comes, and searching it out when you find yourself missing it.

Yet another reason why treadmills are stupid...

2010-01-15T09:23:00.000-08:00

2010-01-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

1. Tazo Calm Tea - my favorite thing ever. The tagline for this should be, "making tax season for small business owners and independent contractors feel ever so much more manageable and less menacing." Sigh...

2. Olympic Lifting - for all the ways that it makes the rest of life a little less scary...

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.

- Soren Kierkegaard

3. Heather's Bakery - Sweet Freedom Bakery- open today for the first time!

This is Heather. :)

Simple is...

2010-01-02T15:32:00.001-08:00

1. Appreciating these socks (from Ireland)

2. 12 and 2 pullups of chest to bar Cindy. (Because there's a real simplicity to Cindy that I have always loved.)

3. Paying $10 to fix my now only form of transportation ($5 for tire, $5 for labor). This store is incredible. More museum than store.

More on how this works later but...

2009-12-31T22:15:00.001-08:00

My one and only New Years' Resolution...

is to practice living more simply.

Hello, 2010.

2009-12-31T22:08:00.000-08:00

Here are some things I noticed...my year in PRs...

Some improvements:

DEADLIFT: I could do 175 x 3 once but it was totally rounded and I had to stop in between reps. I did 175 x 3 for 5 sets with a pretty good arch last week. It's not as good as I'd like it, but it's getting there. This is the one lift I'd REALLY like to get a LOT better at. I've been subbing it in all the time. The first time I pulled 200 was 4/11/09, 205 came on 4/26/09 but it was ugly and left me hurting. 5/13/09 was the first time I pulled 185 x 2 but felt rounding. 6/9/09 pulled 185 x 3 and didn't this either!

POWER CLEAN/CLEAN: Was cleaning 115 for singles on 1/5/09, couldn't get 125 cause I had no idea what I was doing after I pulled it. About a month ago (11/12/09) I got 135 - though I have no idea whether it was power or squat. I also did a WOD about a month ago with 63 115lb. power cleans. Booya.

JERK: Push Jerked 120 on 2/25/09 but pressed it out. Later in the year did 125 like an actual jerk and not push press. I guess on 3/18/09 I split under 135 easily. I should try that again sometime cause it sounds like it would be FUUUUUUN. Still have to do some heavy sets here. Haven't maxed in a while.

SNATCH: Altogether a much more confident movement. I couldn't confidently snatch more than 75lbs. on 1/30/09. I hit 95lbs. after a beer before even doing PMENU and I haven't been able to replicate it since... but I have been able to snatch 90 for a single multiple times (last week) even while my shoulders were absolutely exhausted (a really good sign).

FRONT SQUAT: I've been really stuck at 155 x 3, with a previous single of 170 for a while now. I just don't seem to challenge myself much when the day to do strength stuff comes around. The definitely has to start changing.

BACK SQUAT: 1/25/09 - I thought I hit 190 to parallel and apparently I did 175 x 3 on 3/15/09 and on 4/19/09. Weird that I had no idea - and REALLY bad. Also I guess I thought I did 195 around 4/11/09. But I'm not sure cause no one watched me - whereas with the more recent one, everyone was watching. Last Sunday I got a solid 195 not even in the cage (which is a huge accomplishment for me as I typically freak out when I don't feel I can bail by sitting down). I've also been able to actually do 145lbs. 23 times in 3 minutes out of the cage as well - that feels good but I know it can be better.

OVERHEAD SQUAT: Apparently on 1/15/09 I did 115 x 3. Interesting cause I really thought my max was 115 for a single (the last time I tried it - a few months ago - that's all I got). I'm curious to play around the a different positioning of the shoulders and better mobility and see how far along I can get with this. At some point I'd still really love to head toward 15x bodyweight. I'm also now able to do 95 x 12 and 85 x 15 without too much horrible wrist pain. That is something I NEVER would have been able to do last year.

PULL-UPS (KIPPING, WEIGHTED, and DEADHANG): Deadhangs have become much more dependable. Fresh I could only do 4 pronated in January. I can now do 5 pretty dependably and at least 6 supinated. Kipping has become just insane. Much better height over all - better form, I think too. And after lifting and then not eating I strung 18 together on an inch and a quarter bar. Have to test on the inch bar and hope my hands don't rip apart! Weighted-wise 15lbs. is much easier (10/20/09) but 20-25lbs. is still feeling pretty undoable. I think I probably do need to work on deadhangs on the rings more than anything, especially while using false grip. I'd also still love to get 10 deadhangs at some point. Maybe this is the year? :) Also - 2/18/09 on "Death by Pullups" I got 9 rounds and then on 11/6/09 I got 11 plus 11 on the inch and a quarter.

MUSCLE-UP: Well. I got one (12/3/09). If only I could keep it! I haven't been able to do one since the week I got it but I think it's because I'm still due for a lot of strength work out of the dip and through the transition. I need to give my shoulders time because they've been doing a LOT of gymnastics stuff lately.

RING DIPS: Couldn't do one in January. Pavel definitely helped me get one a few months ago! Now I can string together at least 5 on a max effort and use them in WODs. I hope to be able to be lighter and better at these by next year. They will help a lot of things!

BB TURKISH GET UP: My ancient nemesis :) In January I had to dump 70. 65 happens more easily now - but 70 I still haven't been able to get. That definitely would be worth doing at some point. I love this lift.

PRESS and SANDBAG PRESS: 2/7/09 Could put the 75 over my head but never the 100. Then - on 4/15/09 I got the hundy. Don't know if I could do it now! My press hasn't gone much of anywhere lately but 3/10/09 I had 90 and on 4/11/09 I pressed 95 but it was SLOW.

PUSH PRESS: 105 x 3 on 6/8/09, 115 x 3 on 6/20/09

RUNNING: I'm still a crappy runner though I'm not as afraid of it as I used to be - but I'm hoping to do more barefoot hill running when the weather warms up a tad and - in February I discovered Rage Against the Machine and ran a sub 8 minute mile for the first time since I was like 6 years old. That's got to count for something! I also ran my first structured 5k in 3008 minutes and oh yeah - there was that little 6.2 mile run through the mud in September. That could definitely be better. Not all out running but on a track: 400m, 1:39 on 7/12/09, 17s 100m.

ROWING: My split during WODs is only just starting to get better... and Greengas and Alyson have made me brave or stupid (I can't decide) and I no longer fear the long row (did 2 5ks in 3 days this past week, and 1500m and a 2k a couple times this year). 2k row on 5/29/09 was 936. Tabata Row on 8/3/09 was 771m

DOUBLE UNDERS: 2/12/09 First one. :) Now I can do them in a WOD and string more than 20 together.

BOX JUMP: At least 31 inches on 6/21/09

"ELIZABETH": 1/30/09 done with a 50lb. sandbag and zercher catch + pushups in 10 minutes. Now I do this rx'd both with a 75lb. sandbag or a squat clean with 95lb. barbell in (respectively) 32 and 28 minutes. It'll be much better next time for sure because real ring dips are an entirely new thing to me and I've been practicing! Power Elizabeth with purple band ring dips was 1100 on 4/30/09.

"SANDY FRAN" and other Fran variations: (21-15-9 75lb. sandbag thrusters alternated with inch and a half thick pullups) 2/11/09 did it in 24:17 and on 11/18/09 did it in 1840 (probably my favorite PR of the whole year) ; Did Fran with 95lb. BB a day later in 20 minutes. Ha. 10/12/09 - first WOD ever with Denise T. o.m.g. Barbell Fran in 1014, clavicle to bar. SO out of shape.

"HELEN": 3/1/09 - 1415. ugh. I have discovered that kettlebell stuff is a HUGE weakness for me. "Sandy" on 4/17/09 took me 1908 with a 25lb. sandbag and chest to bar pullups.

"GRACE": 5/8/09 - Ha! RB's first day at the Tribe. I estimate sub 7 on a power clean and jerk 95lb. Grace, 7/16/09 - 643 Power Clean and Jerk at 95lbs.

"JACKIE": 3/6/09 - 1334, 6/5/09 - 1536, 12/17/09 - 1330

"MURPH": 3/20/09 - 5 rounds of Cindy away + a mile from finishing in 58 minutes ; 5/5/09 began with 3 mile run. Finished in 1 hour 33 min.

"NICOLE": 3/30/09 - as with most of the running WODs, I'm kind of stuck. Did this and didn't PR on this day with 7 rounds and 51 pullups which was 10 reps shy of my last time.

"NANCY" - 4/5/09 - 2409

"DT" - @ 95lbs. in 2030 on 4/16/09, 7/24/09 2005 with Ross at 6am.

"FILTHY FIFTIES" - 4/19/09 45 minutes and got to 32 wallballs - didn't do everything rx'd, 7/27/09 in 5730 arms fully extended on pullups, 11/22/09 4329 with easier pullups and everything as rx'd except the back x.

"CINDY" - PR from 12/21/08 is 11 + 6 pushups that were not chest to bar.

"TABATA SOMETHING ELSE" - 228 (ab wheel)

"ANGIE" - 11/16/09 3159

SLEEP/RECOVERY: Hmm - whatwith the stress and work of this year I'd say I started off at about a 0 (I fainted in the gym in January due to just TOO MUCH of everything) and am currently hovering around a 6. More will change in the next month or so that will make all of this a little better. I'm REALLY looking forward to it.

INJURIES I HAVE SUSTAINED:

1/25/09 Weird wrist from doing something weird with sandbags (hyperextending my weak one I think - resolved with rest).

6/20/09 Continued pulling immediately medial and underneath my right scapula (levator scap, I'm pretty sure). Probably from too much arm pulling in cleans or other lifts. Resolves itself with ice and tennis ball rolling of more than just the area. Eventually I believe this effects my neck a few months from then.

7/5/09 Not an injury but worth recording - got a 5 day flu (102 degree fever at worst) and slept for like 72 hours to fix it.

9/26/09 post Long Mud Run had a little bit of a hyperextended ankle, iced and stretched and good as new within a few days.

10/7/09 A 5k plus many, many stupid hours of late night tennis somehow pulled sacral discs out of whack by not stretching after so much unfamiliar movement (running laterally). Pretty debilitating and really scary at first cause I couldn't walk really. Fixed by resting... begging Doctor Val to take care of me - and then doing tons of soft tissue stuff and stretching to get things back in line. Whew.

10/22/09 Kind of tweaked my neck doing ring dips in Elizabeth for the first time... and then practicing muscle ups. To be expected. Val fixed me and said my first rib was stuck up and that that was actually pretty normal.

MOBILITY: Can hold a german hang comfortably as of August. That's new. My left glute is constantly tighter than my right and my right hip flexor is tighter than my left. Erg... T-spine posture feels like it has improved which is helping my shoulders as well. I would love to be able to hold a split on both sides.

NUTRITION: The biggest thing I've learned about eating is that I can't be afraid to slip up - and I can't think that one meal will keep me from being lean. Eating local whole foods in season pretty much solve everyone's problems coupled with some testing on proportions. Pre-workout nutrition has become much more important to me than post. I've also learned that I do great with potatoes, squash, and other starchier carbs - and that, with all the stuff I do in a day, I need them as efficient source of energy that isn't as energy dense as fats. I also don't have NEARLY as much caffeine as I used to and it feels much better.

2009-12-19T09:25:00.001-08:00

Sometimes - life just hands you a break and you have to say...

THANK YOU.

Man, do I love snow...

2009-12-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh!!!!

Feeling like I'm going to freak out. UGH.

These days are too long. 5 12+ hour days. And there's just too much going on and no time to even think about it.

Sigh.

Potential.

2009-12-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

"In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

3 Candles, Accidents.

2009-12-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

"Over the years I have developed a picture of what a human being living humanely is like. She is a person who understands, values and develops her body, finding it beautiful and useful; a person who is real and is willing to take risks, to be creative, to manifest competence, to change when the situation calls for it, and to find ways to accommodate to what is new and different, keeping that part of the old that is still useful and discarding what is not."

-- Virginia Satir

To be this intentional in life is difficult. Really difficult. To know what is best for yourself is very hard. To act on what you know, harder.

It takes a certain pragmatism, an ability to imagine objectivity to the thing that is most subjective: your life.

I am slow to remember that every day is a gift. That every moment I live and breathe is precious because it is singular, every moment, a risk.

I used to think that the idea that "there are no accidents" was an absolutely ridiculous notion. If there are no accidents then everything is intentional, plotted, and conceived. I failed to realize that the opposite of an accident is pretty much something predictable...

and none of life is this way.

So if things are not predictable, than they must be something else - and that is, accidental.

We don't get a guarantee on anything...and so EVERYTHING is therefore accidental, surprising, or...everything has a purpose, has meaning, and repercussions.

I'm only thinking...because my schedule permits the throbbing of day after day with no realization of what it is I'm really doing; that is to say... moving through water, making waves, creating accidents everywhere.

And so I think, we cannot feel forever horrible for the things that happen to us, because we were silly to believe ourselves guaranteed otherwise. We can be grateful for the right kind of accidents, hopeful for a better bigger picture. There are no happy endings, only accidents we want, and accidents we don't want.

I figure the really hard thing is accepting either,

then choosing to learn from it,

then actually learning.

And this...

2009-10-28T13:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Tommy Kono,

Please coach me.

Thanks,

Erin.

And then there's this!

2009-10-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

WOOOOHOOOO!!!!

Sometimes...

2009-10-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

I can't decide whether being mindful is better or worse...

“There are some people who eat an orange but don’t really eat it. They eat their sorrow, fear, anger, past, and future.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

“When you eat with awareness, you find that there is more space, more beauty. You begin to watch yourself, to see yourself, and you notice how clumsy you are or how accurate you are. … So when you make an effort to eat mindfully…, you find that life is worth much more than you had expected.” - Chogyam Trungpa

Fall. Wind. Changes.

2009-10-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

I passed under a sugar maple that stunned me by its elegant unselfconsciousness: it was as if a man on fire were to continue sipping tea. - Annie Dillard

Give my gun away when its loaded.

2009-10-04T19:08:00.000-07:00

Before bed:

a candle

a cup of water

brush teeth

sometimes music

thoughts, some I want to think, some I don't

last minute emails

set an alarm

plan the day

sometimes a book

place pillows

watching out my window

I've played this on the piano. It's not too bad.

Pop Shop slays me...

2009-10-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

This morning.

I did well for the rest of the day and didn't eat as much as a result of having my favorite breakfast thing this morning - eggs benedict florentine... with a side of not crispy bacon. I know I complain all the time about being tired, being frustrated, being alone, blah blah blah - but really... really, really - the WHOLE time I'm doing this... I know it could be worse. I know I won't always feel that way. I know that something will come along and I will feel like it's worth it to smile. Steve's Club did that for me today. I'm grateful.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

2 things I've always wanted...

2009-09-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

Found flowers, for no reason.

Microplane zester... originally created for making skin grafts for surgeons and ultimately the easiest to use zester in the whole wide world. It's a win!

So hungry right now I think I'll dream of the eggs I'm eating tomorrow a.m.

Seitan is evil and other thoughts...

2009-09-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

I wish this was my mug, and my almost paleo chocolate scone.

Didn't do too badly last night, I think. Woke up feeling leaner...needing more sleep - but knowing I want to eat well for a while. My body was sending me some major surrender flags yesterday.

3 eggs, coconut oil, and salsa this morning (GRINGO is the best.)

Black caffeinated coffee = headache (I haven't had that much caffeine on it's own in like 2 months but it's all I have left at home - the coffee, not the headache - although...)

And now - for the rest of the day, a whole pound of turkey and tri-color pepper curry type thing. Basically made with the turkey (90g PRO), 1/3 can lite coconut milk (cuts the fat WAY down to like 10g), onions and peppers for carbs.

Also have had looooots of decaf coffee with a few tablespoons of 1/2 and 1/2 here at work. That's not ideal. I need to bring some herbal tea here. That I can nurse all day.

Right now I'm feeling a little woozy but it's because I don't get to eat til 5p when I get off work here. Also I think I'm dehydrated more often than not. Doesn't help that CFCC has run out of water!

Am also absurdly productive today and lately. I'm not complaining...

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”

- Mark Twain

2009-09-28T11:28:00.001-07:00

Today has been a wash as far as zone is concerned. Hadn't cooked and that helps. Also had a bunch of stuff to uhhh... eat through before they went bad and I felt like I wasted money. Stupid excuse I guess. I'm setting this thing up so that I can record everything I eat by texting from my phone. That'll help.

Memories are really just pictures in your head.

2009-09-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

The concept comes from one of my favorite episodes of Radiolab.

The reason I want to work in Heather's upstarting bakery... I really need to recreate a salad I had from here once... it was braised spinach, mint, salmon, and somehow it was like the best thing I ever ate.

A feeling I want everyday. I settle for rubber mats. Also - I still own these sandals even though I think they're absolutely irreparable. I should really take them to a cobbler. When was the last time YOU were at a cobbler? They do amazing things...

This is what silence really is. It's actually really, really, really LOUD.

This is how I like to travel. This, amazing food after this, and then a museum the next day when you can get lost and feel your soreness and exercise your prions. I miss this... and it's the incentive for a lot of things I want in life: someone to explore with, freedom to go, money to justify.

These are the colors I wear and love. It's like olive, jade, and eggplant, ripe pumpkins, slate and clove. I can't help it. I haven't bought new clothes in forever... but even when I do - I know I'll still be looking for these colors.

In other news - I'm making a list of all the dishes that are SAVORY from Elana's Pantry that I really want to make. I'm back on zone because I think I'm making it my official goal to compete in sectionals and in general, to up my game as an athlete. Zone helps. I'll be liberal with the fat in the morning but not in my main courses, it'll be 11 to 12 blocks of PRO and of CHO...that just fits my lifestyle.

Agave Lime Chicken - I just love simple dishes and the idea of throwing everything in a pan - waiting and anticipating the tastes, smells, and colors that develop... and then just trying not to eat it right after it comes out. I should really be roasting a chicken every week through the winter and then using the bones for soup.

Chili Chicken served with Napa Cabbage and Shiitake Mushrooms - I think I'm really going to love this one... I have to say I'm really unfamiliar with dried chilis. That part's going to be a bit of an experiment. It's been too long since I've had my favorite mushrooms!!!

Mango Chicken - so, so easy and I bet I will love it... easy ingredients!

Salmon with Mushroom and Red Pepper Sauce - again with the shiitakes... and I like the idea of working a little harder to make a really nice sauce - especially if it's made of red peppers. :)

Turkey Chili - When it gets cold, there's nothing better than this. Uber simple - except for poblano peppers. What are those? Where do I get them? What do they taste like? Peppers and I, we need some quality time.

That's it for now...gotta go through the veg for more ideas...

Do not read if you are already sad.

2009-09-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well I'm finally home. Sitting in bed. Listening to "You've Got Mail"... and wishing everything in life didn't come to an end at some point. I've been listening to Radiolab's recent episodes on "Death" and I really shouldn't. Especially when feeling as low as I am lately. But the bare truth is addicting.

And the truth is, I really, really, REALLY hate the idea of death...so much so that I call it an idea. I hate the death of anything. The end of a friendship, a relationship, a group, a business, a vegetable, a sweatshirt, a life. I'm attached - no matter how hard I try not to be. It's gutting.

I guess it's comforting to know that nothing ever dissipates into absolute emptiness. The rules of matter say that it goes somewhere. It's only a little comforting though. I myself enjoy consciousness as much as I complain about it. Sigh...

For the first time since forever...I didn't want to leave the gym. I didn't want to get on the train. I didn't want to go over the bridge. I didn't want to finally get to my truck. I didn't want the traffic on 38 to move smoothly. I didn't want to catch the green at Marne.

I just didn't want to.

And the only thing I know to do now is just not sleep, not eat, and watch the only movie that ever reminds me of being fine.

"People are always telling you that 'change is a good thing'. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened... soon it will just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to this city - the way it keeps changing on you or the way you can never count on it or something. I know because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is - I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died... And no one can ever make it right."

-Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail

Note to self: Go to Iceland.

2009-09-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

I love this movie. Shamelessly.

2009-09-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

And I think a back like that is just beautiful. I don't care what any slinky makes-me-look-like-a-fullback strapless dress tells me. Strong is so worth it. I hope I live to be 80 and slinging kettlebells.

Went to watch Pat grapple today. Then ate some not so tasty (but not so bad for me) food. Then fell asleep on the couch for 3 hours. Then woke up and watched Roddick get his tush kicked.

It's probably why I'm addicted to athletics in general... that focus that comes with aggression... with a goal that is intoxicating. I know musicians experience it, artists feel it.

It's transcendent...and it's the same reason why life sometimes just befuddles me.

Three sighs for today... ho-hum.

A word on vanilla milkshakes with your dessert.

2009-09-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

At the pop shop. Peanut Butter Chocolate Whipped Cream Ice Cream Decadence/Debacle.

Because right now I'm craving all of the above... but I wouldn't dare eat it because I'd be SO SO SO sick.

This pic is from ages ago it seems... kinda like the last time I posted. ZING.

Lastly, tonight I made my very own first pork tenderloin. Yes, the tender loins of a sacrificial pig. It's a great cut from Trader Joe's for cheap-cheap (renewed appreciation for the cheap-cheap of TJ's). I seared it. I roasted it with apples. I made sauce. By frying some onions in butter, then adding some sage and thyme (though I would have preferred thyme and bay leaf), reduced (YES - a REDUCTION!) some apple cider vinegar in it and then poured in some heavy cream that I picked up from the Fair Food Farmstand this morning. Twill be yummy. I know it.

Things that look like watermelon but aren't.

2009-07-23T19:18:00.000-07:00

MAN, food is dang pretty.

Felt good today - the humidity is turned cooler rainish type summer weather and I think my body likes that.

First four meals of the day were:

1 chicken sausage (7g PRO, 7g FAT, 4g CHO)...so I eat this with minimal CHO - a few bites of a very crunchy, very orange (like HAPPY orange), bell pepper.

With the last one being at about 12p.

Around 3p I had 3 oz. salmon wrapped around 1/2 cup of avocado and 2 blocks of blueberries + 2 cups of decaf coffee with a tbs. of cream in each.

Around 5p I had 3 more oz. of salmon wrapped around 1/2 cup of avocado and 2 blocks of blueberries again.

Trained around 7p ( a 7 minute heavy effort )

Had 3 eggs (ran out of butter...erg) and 1 pita (about 3 blocks of CHO and NASTY ingredients) and a block of CHO worth of blueberries.

My last meal was blah. Healthier fresh food is incredibly tasty to me and so much more appetizing than brown stuff.

Color is yummy. Moral of the day.

Day 3!

2009-07-22T16:43:00.000-07:00

12 blocks PRO

8 blocks CHO

18 blocks FAT

Meal 1: (7a-ish)

2 blocks PRO worth grassfed coconut (3 blocks FAT) cumin beef, 2 blocks worth CHO from apple/jicama salad (plus a bit of onion in beef)

Meal 2: (830a-ish)

same as above.

Meal 3: (10a-ish)

same as above.

Meal 4: (post WOD - Deads...some double unders)

2 blocks PRO worth lemon pepper wild salmon, 1 block CHO turnip, 1 block CHO strawberries.

Meal 5: (~230p or an hour and a half after other meal)

3 blocks PRO worth of canned tuna with mayo (5 blocks FAT) and 1 block CHO tomato.

Meal 6: (haven't had yet but about to at 8p)

Same as Meal 1.

So this amounts to:

Meal 1: 2 PRO, 3 FAT, 1 CHO

Meal 2: same as above.

Meal 3: same as above.

Meal 4: 2 PRO, 2 CHO

Meal 5: 3 PRO, 5 FAT, 1 CHO

Meal 6: 2 PRO, 3 FAT, 1 CHO

Totalling: 13 PRO (oops), 19 FAT (oops again), 7 CHO (oops)

So if I was precise this could have been easier. I'll try again tomorrow. I really want to know how this formula works for me.

The crazy mind silenced by an egg...

2009-07-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

"The mind wants to live forever, or to learn a very good reason why not. The mind wants the world to return its love, or its awareness... The mind's sidekick, however, will settle for two eggs over easy. The dear, stupid body is easily satisfied as a spaniel. And, incredibly, the simple spaniel can lure the brawling mind to its dish. It is everlastingly funny that the proud, metaphysically ambitious mind will hush if you give it an egg."
— Annie Dillard

Day 2 (forthcoming)

a very beautiful lady for only $2.99 and no fat, minimal protein, just 30g of CHO per can.

From Day 1:

Who says these meals aren't delectable???

Poached Lemon Pepper Wild Salmon and Butter Fried Wild Red Snapper

Measuring...

And weighing...(yes the salmon is that gorgeous)

Hope in sepia tones.

2009-07-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night and I'm cleaning my room, because the mind begs for order from something. The windows are open in this, a room I've had since I was 14. These are the windows I slept under when we first moved here. Back then when thunderstorms rolled through I'd curl up under my window to watch the lightning and listen to rain hit the pond across the street.

Today I'm in the same spot.

I've been thinking lately about this phrase I've loved for so long: expect nothing, appreciate everything. Nights like these I feel like maybe expecting nothing sometimes means hoping for nothing. I'm afraid to wish for things. I'm afraid to count on things. I'm afraid to think better of the future. It's not given. These things are frail and treading into them feels brave some days, other days, just really really stupid.

I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way.

I do know I'm no good at appreciating everything. So I'll make a kitschy list:

1. Thunderstorms

2. Some money in the bank

3. Only $7000 in debt to pay off

4. CrossFit

5. I can run (not fast - but I can do it).

6. Kelly Starrett seminar on the horizon

7. No immediate danger.

8. Air conditioning

9. The interweb

10. Old journals

I wish I could play guitar like this:

Things I chomp on when sick: Oxtail Soup

2009-07-03T11:23:00.000-07:00

So particularly when I've got the flu apparently I tend to feel exactly what it feels like to have an inflammatory response. You hear all the time about how omega-3 fatty acids are great anti-inflammatory agents that are supposed to help you recover and keep your joints feeling healthy... but I had the singular experience these last few days of watching the rise and fall of my temperature and the corresponding "inflamed" feeling running through the rest of my body.

With my temp at 99.8 I felt uncomfortable, achey, but still able to get up and move around. At around 102 though I actually felt myself become almost swollen in my joints and very rigid. That was about the point when I would start to hope that one of my brothers would get my icepack from the freezer for me.

It's been said before (many, many, many times by people much wittier than I) that inflammation is the enemy to health. Inflammation immediately following an injury seems to generally a good and necessary response in the process of healing but prolonged inflammation seems to cause all kinds of festering problems in the body (athlesclerosis is a prolonged inflammation or the blood vessels which creates the home for blood clots which give rise to stroke/poor blood pressure/and a host of other issues, joints that are iced are usually brought to cooler temperatures to still movement and stress in a particular area for a bit so that fresh blood can then flush back into the area).

I've got a lot more to learn about the many ways inflammation reaks havoc on the body when not held in check... but one thing I know is... soup feels good... and soup with anti-inflammatory omega-3 fatty acids feels EVEN better (I upped my dosage of o-3s while I was sick and tried to eat only seafood, vegetables, and dark fruits to get myself better). After I sleep - the difference is palpable. I feel healed. It's like magic. Alakazam.

Anyway...here's what I ate for pretty much the whole day yesterday:

OXTAIL SOUP

Where oxtail is really just the tail of a cow...but ox obviously sounds way cooler. The fat of the bone of the tail is stewed in the broth of the soup and that fat is MARROW which is some of the coolest stuff ever and is very omega-3 dense.

1. Stew oxtails forever and ever - so much so that other people in the household demand to know what is taking up a burner.

2. Chuck in onion and greens you have lying around (my mom used swiss chard which is an excellent idea and one of my favorite dark green veg).

3. Let that stew and add some spices. Up to you but when I'm sick I like sorta spicy stuff to clear my sinuses...so my mom put in some cayenne pepper paste.

4. Eat. and Drink. Cause the broth is dang good.

You can find out more about bone marrow in recipes and the health benefits here.

And you can read this little account of eating roasted bone marrow from Anthony Bourdain (the traveler eating guy from The Travel Channel) here. I want his job kinda.

In other news...

THINGS I HAVE WASTED (CONSCIOUSLY) HOURS OF MY LIFE WATCHING IN THE LAST FEW DAYS:

1. The Extended Version of the Lord of the Rings minus the 2nd part of the Two Towers (the disc was lost) and pretty much 1/2 of the very last disc of Return of the King (which was skipping but I was kinda napping so it didn't matter).

2. Madagascar....2 (but I've never seen 1?) I <3>

3. Every possible episode of anything Chef Ramsay does. I think Meghan put it this way, "I like angry English men." It's probably true...I did always love perfunctory English writing best.

4. A few episodes of the following: Survivorman, Iron Chef, and Barefoot Contessa.

5. Korean soap operas that made absolutely no sense at all. Lots of screaming. Lots of eating. Lots of non-sensical honor issues. Who's family does that sound like...

Somehow with all of those shows about food I managed to lose 10lbs. while sick. I am probably weak now. I think I'm realizing I need to train less - rest more. Hmm...

Sick-nugget.

2009-06-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

AMRAP Lord of the Rings?

I <3 Hammocks.

2009-06-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

Took an hour nap today. It felt like...a trip back to the shore, a day climbing and exploring something, George Eliot I haven't read, a plethora of seafood and fruit to eat, and a night spent with people I love. I woke up and thought, "Oh yeah. This place."

Miss Brooke had that kind of beauty which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress.
George Eliot, "Middlemarch", Book I, ch.1

Methods. Madness.

A letter to my little cousin Abby, on her birthday.

Progress.

Dreaming big.

Icebergs.

I'm gonna learn to love without fear.

Sometimes...

Been a while again...

Dusty Life.

Playing in fountains, tomatoes, and death (yup).

I can't figure out how to do this any other way...

Maybe it's a stupid question...

It's Sunday Morning...

I will consider myself to have arrived in life

You know, for those days when you want to feel like a lady.

Poetry and Paper Tigers.

Mama said...

Really though...

Very much into Tea lately.

Startled.

Sufjan. Yes.

There are so many reasons to love Dan John

Is OPT Yoda?

Glutes.

YAY :)

You know I need to remember these...

THURSDAY 110120

The question competition inspires.

Eleven is a nice number.

Inspiration.

"Jackie"

Autumn n' Fall.

Currently a sick nugget.

wriiiiiists.

These are some stats I want to remember.

Running, my Ebenezer.

nem·e·sis

MUSIC.

ADORING my weekends lately. I am blessed.

Change and things.

Because summer is coming to a close and... I still had all of this on my camera.

Why I do what I do. :)

My favorite movement. And who we are not.

Forgiveness.

iofficiallyhatethis.

Hell hath no fury, and words.

Your hips are just never too open.

Think on these things.

Going back to Cali: 25 lessons learned.

And now... a post about an animal.

Sticks and stones.

You know what I need?

John Wooden is the man.

Tis the season to... EAT YOUR VEGGIES!

Singed hair and mile-high memories.

Yep. Before and After time!

April Showers... are preceded by days like today... which THEN bring May flowers, I think.

A-MAZING...and I want tattoos! :(

Maybe I'm not not recovering...

BAYUM.

Pain is perception...

How much does a pound of snow weigh...

Simple food.

Yet another reason why treadmills are stupid...

Simple is...

More on how this works later but...

Hello, 2010.

Potential.

3 Candles, Accidents.

And this...

And then there's this!

Sometimes...

Fall. Wind. Changes.

Give my gun away when its loaded.

Pop Shop slays me...

2 things I've always wanted...

Seitan is evil and other thoughts...

Memories are really just pictures in your head.

Do not read if you are already sad.

Note to self: Go to Iceland.